The only freedom left is the freedom to starve

For some reason I cannot stick to the plan. I'm seriously freaking out. I'm so fat. I always feel disgusting after I eat but I keep eating. What's wrong with me?

An imperfect body reflects an imperfect soul

So tomorrow I go home from my month long vacation/binge-fest. The hard work really begins tomorrow. I'm basically going to fast for the next two months and lose 15 pounds before school starts again. I'm looking forward to getting back to my usual restricting habits. At the beginning of the month I had been purging 4 times a day. Now I purge once at most. I fear that Mia is slipping from me. I can't let that happen. I'm craving the feeling of starvation. It's time to get back on track.

We who strive for perfection will spend our lives in pursuit of a dream that can never be fulfilled.

Today I lied to my boyfriend and told him that I wouldn't be able to see him for over two weeks. The reason is because I don't want him to see how fat i've gotten and I'm planning on fasting for the next two weeks. This is not the first time I've done this. I feel atrocious but I know I'll do it again the next time I binge. I crave these weeks when I fast. Not even so much as a glass of water. But when I eat at the end of those weeks It all comes crashing down and I feel disgusting. Is it really worth it? . It is worth it. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

Florida

Going to Florida was an even worse idea than I thought it would be. I completely fucked up and abandoned my diet plan almost as soon as we got there. seriously. I ate four blueberrry muffins just on the drive there. I basically binged for two straight weeks with cookies, goldfish, pizza, more god damn muffins. And even worse: people noticed how much I was eating. But I couldn't stop. And my aunt wouldn't let me purge. I have never felt something so bad. I have never binged and not been able to purge. She said she would rather I starve because she was wasting money on buying me food that I was just going to throw up. She pysically blocked me from the bathroom. I threw up in the bushes outside when I went to "take a walk". I had horrible heart burn for most of the last week and it kept me up for a lot of the night. I feel so fat. I can't breathe.

I'm such a fatass

I am officially a fat ass. I did absolutely nothing today. I didnt even stretch. And i ate a piece of pizza. I feel so stupid. Im going to Florida on Friday, i need to be at my thinnest! So my plan is to run 3 miles tomorrow, do atleast 500 crunches, every day im in Florida. My diet plan will be to fast for 3 days and then eat dinner on the 4th days. Oh my god we are going to go out for almost every meal. My aunt baked 3 different kinds of muffins in the hundreds so we would have something to eat for breakfast. My cousins are each making cookies. So many other family members, most of which i dont even know, are going to be coming through and expecting big dinners. I'm hoping that with the stress of entertaining so many people, my aunt wont notice im not eating. I cant gain weight now. Not when i'm so close.