The only freedom left is the freedom to starve

For some reason I cannot stick to the plan. I'm seriously freaking out. I'm so fat. I always feel disgusting after I eat but I keep eating. What's wrong with me?

An imperfect body reflects an imperfect soul

So tomorrow I go home from my month long vacation/binge-fest. The hard work really begins tomorrow. I'm basically going to fast for the next two months and lose 15 pounds before school starts again. I'm looking forward to getting back to my usual restricting habits. At the beginning of the month I had been purging 4 times a day. Now I purge once at most. I fear that Mia is slipping from me. I can't let that happen. I'm craving the feeling of starvation. It's time to get back on track.

We who strive for perfection will spend our lives in pursuit of a dream that can never be fulfilled.

Today I lied to my boyfriend and told him that I wouldn't be able to see him for over two weeks. The reason is because I don't want him to see how fat i've gotten and I'm planning on fasting for the next two weeks. This is not the first time I've done this. I feel atrocious but I know I'll do it again the next time I binge. I crave these weeks when I fast. Not even so much as a glass of water. But when I eat at the end of those weeks It all comes crashing down and I feel disgusting. Is it really worth it? . It is worth it. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

Florida

Going to Florida was an even worse idea than I thought it would be. I completely fucked up and abandoned my diet plan almost as soon as we got there. seriously. I ate four blueberrry muffins just on the drive there. I basically binged for two straight weeks with cookies, goldfish, pizza, more god damn muffins. And even worse: people noticed how much I was eating. But I couldn't stop. And my aunt wouldn't let me purge. I have never felt something so bad. I have never binged and not been able to purge. She said she would rather I starve because she was wasting money on buying me food that I was just going to throw up. She pysically blocked me from the bathroom. I threw up in the bushes outside when I went to "take a walk". I had horrible heart burn for most of the last week and it kept me up for a lot of the night. I feel so fat. I can't breathe.

I'm such a fatass

I am officially a fat ass. I did absolutely nothing today. I didnt even stretch. And i ate a piece of pizza. I feel so stupid. Im going to Florida on Friday, i need to be at my thinnest! So my plan is to run 3 miles tomorrow, do atleast 500 crunches, every day im in Florida. My diet plan will be to fast for 3 days and then eat dinner on the 4th days. Oh my god we are going to go out for almost every meal. My aunt baked 3 different kinds of muffins in the hundreds so we would have something to eat for breakfast. My cousins are each making cookies. So many other family members, most of which i dont even know, are going to be coming through and expecting big dinners. I'm hoping that with the stress of entertaining so many people, my aunt wont notice im not eating. I cant gain weight now. Not when i'm so close.

june 29th, 4:50 PM

Today was quite possibly the most stressful days ever. My aunt decided it was time to teach me to bake. she picked out all the recipes and devised numerous grocery lists. She dragged me to the store and i watched in silent terror as she piled sugar, pudding, pie crusts, frosting, flour, baking soda, baking powder, 4 different kinds of chocolate, and skittles into the cart. The skittles were for her, not for cooking. She insisted we stop at McDonald's and pollute our bodies with all kinds of disgusting things that a dog wouldnt eat. I said i didnt feel well, but then caved under her glare, and settled on a salad. She got a cheese burger, chicken strips, a salad, and a coke. I nearly gagged at the sight of that burger. Who in the fuck even knows whats in that shit? She consumed her "food" at an alarming rate. She didnt notice me shoving handfuls of salad into the potted plant behind me. I swear i consumed a million calories just by breathing in that place. It was horrible. We went back to her house and got down to baking. She set me to work stirring brownie batter, while she worked on the muffins. I was counting down the minutes until it was over. After i was done with the brownies, i was told to make peanut butter cookies. Then chocolate chip cookies. Then a strawberry pie. By the end, my hands were bleeding from digging my nails into my palms. I went into my bathroom and took a shower;trying to wash the smell of fat out of my hair. I dryed off and then stepped on the scale for reassurance that i hadnt gained. 87. Exactly. I lost two ounces since this morning. i did 200 crunches and then fell asleep. My aunt came in and asked if i wanted dinner. I said no, ignoring her stern look, and went back to sleep. I woke up at 2 AM and went into the kitchen for water. Everything we had baked that day was half eaten. If i had eaten anything, it would have been on its way right back up. I couldnt believe my eyes. Does Thin mean nothing to these people?

june 29th, 4:35 AM

today i woke up at 1:00 by my aunt's face right up in mine. If you've ever seen my aunt; you know this is not a pleasant way to wake up. she asked me if i wanted tuna salad. i didnt, but i said yes because she is one of those crazy people who eats something at every meal time. She gave me a lecture about not eating dinner last night. I got up and went into the kitchen to eat her fucking tuna salad. 100 calories per can. We split the can. she had tortilla chips(300), a coke(110), 2 pieces of bread(160), 1/2 can of tuna(50). total=420. i had 1/2 a can of tuna(50), and a diet sprite(0). Total=50. I could have done better. i could have not eaten at all. i did 200 crunches and then fell asleep again until 6. for dinner i had 2 diet sprites(0), 1/2 a piece of pizza(300).total=300. I had to eat the pizza at the urging of my aunt. Immediately after dinner i excused myself to go "take a shower", aka get-all-of-this-shit-out-of-my-system-as-fast-as-possible. I turned on the water and heaved up all of her precious pizza. I washed the disgusting cheese taste out of my mouth, and then did 400 more crunches. i watched a movie with my aunt and uncle. i had to listen to them smacking away on ice cream through the entire thing. it was incredibly distracting. I drank glass after glass of water and tried to breathe through my mouth, so i wouldnt have to smell the ice cream. i did another hundred crunches and then went to bed.Total caloric intake for the day=350